


A Deep and Terrible Ache

by Words_Etched_In_Her_Skin



Category: Reigning Passions (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Heartache, Heartbreak, Memory Loss, Multi, Poisoning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:15:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27172297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Words_Etched_In_Her_Skin/pseuds/Words_Etched_In_Her_Skin
Summary: **********************************************Queen Llewellyn(MC) has awoken from an attempted assassination with no memories of her time Attadellys - Will she ever remember her love for Xenia? Or be swept off her feet by the dark haired beauty that drifts between the shadows.**********************************************
Relationships: Ruelle/Main Character (Reigning Passions), Xenia & Main Character (Reigning Passions)
Kudos: 5





	A Deep and Terrible Ache

**Author's Note:**

> This was for the prompt - Xenia x MC fic where MC is poisoned, and wakes up with no memories. She falls in love with Ruelle before regaining her memories and remembering her love for Xenia. MC couldn't choose with one she truly wants to be with.
> 
> Author's first attempt at full angst.

I woke up to the thick taste of metal in my mouth. My tongue dry as I tried to take in a deep breath. It hurt. Everything hurt. I slowly opened my eyes only to take in a room, in a place, that I've never seen before. I looked around but the soft purples and blacks of the room struck no memory. There's a woman sitting in a large chair beside the bed, her eyes filled with worry as she looks me over.

"My Queen?" She said, her voice slightly cracking.

My head began to spin as I tried to take her words in. Queen? I closed my eyes and tried to think. Was I her Queen? I willed my memories to come to me, but all I'm met with is black static. I shake my head with frustration, frowning as I speak.

"Ah - I'm so very sorry, but I seem to have forgotten your name.... and mine, as well." My voice came out heavy, working it's way through the multiple layers a sleep.

"That's alright, sweet girl. I am Xenia.. Mistress Xenia. And you are Queen Llewellyn of Lysende."

" .... Queen?"

The words rang through my head like a church bell, and then, silence. The cold black static caused a constant buzzing in my head. I fight the tears that I can feel trying to sting their way in. I leaned back against the cool pillow and tried to breath. Trying to force my way through the inky black depths of my mind. Xenia's eyes widen for a minute, her face solemn as she addressed a shadow in the back side of the room.

"Ruelle, go and fetch Gideon. Quickly."

A striking woman emerged from the shadows, locking eyes with me once before giving Xenia a nod and slipping out the door. The woman at my side turned back to me and gave me a weak smile. A small spider made it's way down her arm and onto her palm. The small creature seemed to dance in her hand, tapping it's leg in some sort of proverbial morse code. Xenia frowned, seemingly giving it a small nod before turning her warm ashen face back to mine. Even with the veil she wore and the tired lines around her eyes, I could see how beautiful she was. Her eyes remained calm as she held my gaze. I couldn't deny the feeling of knowing her. The way she watched me, intently. The sorrow swimming within the black pools of her eyes. I tried to speak just as the doors swung open. The beautiful woman from before and another gentleman rush inside. A supreme look of worry painted on both of their faces.

"Gideon, thank God you're here. While she is awake, and fairing much better than before, our Queen seems to have no memory of who she is."

The man named Gideon made his way closer to the side of the bed, Ruelle staying close behind him, the deep amber of her eyes never leaving me as she took her place next to Xenia.

"So, tell me, Your Majesty. You don't remember anything at all?" Gideon asked.

I closed my eyes again, deep breaths filling my lungs as I tried to filter through all the static once more. The same cold buzzing is all that meets me, a haze so black you could lose yourself in it. I shook my head, opening my eyes as I finally let my tears fall. Xenia is the first to move, but Ruelle gets to me faster, holding out a dark green cloth in her hand.

"Here, Y-your.. ah.. Llewellyn."

As the name left her mouth, the soft undertones of her voice skipped a beat through my mind, illuminating a pathway of clarity through the dark shadows that resided there . Suddenly, without warning, the veil pulled itself back, a bright light of recognition, and I could remember. I could remember how the cedar trees and freshly fallen snow smelt in the morning in the Wilds. The warmth and pure comfort of Rosie's bar after a long night of serving ale and stew. The joy of running free through the woods with the crisp air stinging my face. I sat up abruptly, eyes wide, locking eyes with Ruelle before laughing.

"F-frost.. I.. I remember. You said my name and it just all came back! My name is Llewellyn Cyr, and I live in the Wilds!"

I smiled wide and openly until I caught the faces of the people around me. Quietly watching me with sad eyes as I spoke, and when I looked to Xenia, another memory came rushing in. The last thing I could remember before the sea of black that cascaded waves against my thoughts. She was there. In the tavern, that night. That much I knew, but everything after that was.. black. As black as a starless winter night.

"H-how did I get here?" I asked sharply. Suddenly very aware that I might be with people who could actually mean me harm.

"My Queen.." Xenia's voice came out slow and tentative, but it didn't stop the frustration that flowed through me like lava.

"And I am no one's Queen!" I slammed my fists down on the bed, my words hot and untamed, but the raw burn of guilt that burrowed deep inside me as I saw the pain in everyone's faces, was enough to snuff it. I slumped back down on the bed, tears now flowing steadily. "Y-you were there, Xenia. In the tavern. It's the last thing I remember. Please... please, explain."

Xenia took a step closer, her face a mix of sorrow and hesitancy. She turned to Ruelle who gave her a small nod. She steadied herself with a deep breath before she answered.

"You are correct, swee - ah, Llewellyn. I was there that night in the tavern, this is true. And you came back with me here, to Attadellys, but this was months ago, I'm afraid." She lowered her eyes, seemingly desperate to not make eye contact with me.

"M-months??" My heart sank again. The sudden realization that I had lost literal months of my life weighed in heavily.

"Yes, you have been our reigning Queen for a little over a month now." Xenia replied.

"Ok.... " I let out a shaky breath before continuing. "... and what's happened to cause me to lose my memories?"

"You.. ah.. someone tried to assassinate you, My Queen." Xenia said the last two words hesitantly, but this time I felt no anger, only deep sadness for what I had possibly lost.

"How?" I whispered.

"Poison... My Queen. If it were not for Ruelle's quick actions, you certainly would not have made it."

Ruelle shifted uneasily at the acknowledgment, giving me a small smile as she made eye contact. I took a moment to really take her in, wanting so badly to remember her. Her unique features and soft skin seemed to glow in the dim candlelight. The emerald tips of her hair a shimmering sea spilling upwards into the dark currents above. Her eyes two smoldering embers standing out brilliantly against her pale skin. There wasn't a single part about her that wasn't beautiful. I felt the heat rise to my face shamelessly as I realized I was staring.

"Ah - Sorry. Thank you, Ruelle. For being there." I said quietly. She smiled and gave me a small nod.

"Of course. You're my friend." Her words were dry but with an undertone of affection to them. I smiled and looked back to Xenia whose expression could only be described as pained.

"Gideon." She said quickly. "Is there anyway to find out what sort of poison was used? We need an antidote, and quickly."

"Ah yes, of course, Mistress. I can take some of Llewellyn's saliva and try to narrow it down. It will take time though, and then time to perfect the antidote."

I could see a flicker of desperation float across Xenia's face as she took in Gideon's words. He collected his sample quickly before pulling Xenia towards the door, speaking to her in only hushed whispers. I looked to Ruelle who only gives a small smile before turning back towards the others. Gideon bowed quietly before exiting the room, allowing Xenia to walk back over, her face crestfallen as she approached us.

"Ruelle - I have.. urgent matters to attend to. Finding Llewellyn's assasin is top priority, and will take up alot of my time over the next few days. I want you to guard her at all costs. You are not to leave her side! Do you understand?" Xenia's voice was high and shrill, painted with an unspoken plea.

"Of course, Mistress." Ruelle replied.

"Thank you, Ruelle. I will return as soon as I can." She gave me one last solemn look, and then Xenia hastily left the room. A trail of spiders in her wake. I turned to look at Ruelle just as she was making her way towards the door.

"R-ruelle?" My voice cracked slightly hoping she would stop. I could see the stress in her body as she stopped to face me.

"Yes, My.. Llewellyn?"

"Would you mind staying with me?" I asked softly. "I.. and maybe filling in some of the blanks for me?"

"I'm not sure that would be - "

"Please, Ruelle."

I watched the guarded look drop from her eyes as she gave me a small nod, her hand withdrawing slowly from the doorknob as she let out a slow breath.

"As you wish." She replied as she took the seat that Xenia was previously sitting in. "Though I'm not sure how much I'll be able to help you."

"Your company is helping a lot already." I said, feeling a small blush rise to my cheeks.

"Heh.. " She replied softly, shifting uneasily in her seat.

"Can you just tell me one thing, then?" I asked her tentatively.

"Of course."

"Did Xenia and I... were we.. you know.. together? It's just... the way she looked at me at times... "

"You and the Mistress of Spies have a.. past, yes. The rest should be for her to tell you, not me." She replied a little sharply.

"Of course. Sorry. We don't have to talk at all. W-will you just sit here with me, then?" I asked even softer this time and she gave me another small nod - never leaving that seat by my side the entirety of the night - Her silhouette, an inky shadow against the back draft of Xenia's warm room, was all I could see as I swiftly fell back to sleep.

*******

In the days in weeks that came, Xenia spent every waking hour either trying to find my assassin, or helping Gideon with the antidote. Many long hours were spent between Ruelle and I, and even though, in some deep part of my soul, I knew that there was something between the Mistress of Spies and I, I could not help the magnetic pull that I felt to Ruelle. The way she looked at me during the late hours in my chamber. Her unique features always beautifully accentuated by the light of the fireplace. It's how we spent most nights. In comfortable silence, or soft conversation.

It was a particularly quiet night, with nothing but the heat of the fireplace between us. Ruelle was even more reserved than usual, her amber eyes staring off into the golden embers that flickered within the crackling flame. Her face concentrated with the smallest amount of melancholy to it. I took her hand in mine and gave it a small squeeze.

"Heh.. my apologies." She said softly, still staring into the fire.

"All's well. Care to tell me what's got you so far away from me?" I asked her, moving a little closer.

"This.. You.. " She took a deep breath and finally locked eyes with me, steadying herself before continuing. "Xenia has noticed the way you look at me... and the way I look at you. I .. The pain that fills her eyes, Llewellyn. I.. I can't do this to her.. "

The pain in her voice was enough to make my heart lurch. I too had noticed the Spy Mistress' solemn glances, and I knew how much Ruelle cared for her - but the constant pull I felt towards Ruelle made me selfish, wanting. I wanted her - in every sense of the word. I wanted to feel her, touch her, taste her. Even if it was just for one night.

"Frost, Ruelle.. I.. I can't help what I feel for you.. " I said barely above a whisper. "I care for you. I can't make that go away."

"You may not feel this way if you're memories were intact, Your Highness." She said slightly sharper this time, using my royal title to make a point.

"Perhaps.. but right now.. all I can think about is kissing you. Even if it couldn't last forever, I still want to feel you against me!" I said firmly, and I could see a slight hunger rise to her eyes. She licked her lips slowly before she spoke.

"You must know I want that too, but it is not as simple as that." She placed a hand to my face, gently cupping my cheek as she did. I leaned into the small gesture of affection and closed my eyes. It was moments like these that had me so enamored by her. The warmth and gentleness she saved for only me. I placed my hand over hers, and when I finally opened my eyes, her face was so close to mine, that I could see every intricate line in the beautiful patterns that resided in her eyes.

"R-ruelle.."

Before I could finish my thought, her soft lips were on mine, making my knees instantly go weak. I wrapped my fingers in her hair and pulled her in. The contrast of soft and sensual verses warm and heated played heavenly across our lips. The feeling was all consuming - stealing every breath I had to offer from my lungs. Her hand firmly placed at the nape of my neck as she kissed me even deeper. The whole world a distant memory as all of my senses drifted away, only returning when her lips finally pulled away from mine. My fingers instantly rising to them to see if I could still feel her there. I was about to say something, anything - to tell her how amazing she was - when the doors to my bedroom abruptly flew open.

"My Queen. I-!"

We both jumped back at the sound of Xenia's voice. She stopped short, her calculating eyes taking in the situation before she cleared her throat.

"My apologies, My Queen." She said as she straightened her shoulders back and put on her most controlled voice. "I should've knocked. Please forgive me. I only meant to tell you of the.. good news. Gideon should have an antidote ready for you by the morning."

I swallowed the thick feeling in my throat and gave her a small smile.

"Thank you, Mistress. That is great news, indeed." I tried my best to sound genuine, not even able to look Xenia in the eyes.

"Very well. I will leave you two to your night. I will send for you, Ruelle, when the antidote is finished." Xenia looked at her niece one last time before turning back to the door, the heartbreak still very much visible on her face no matter how hard she tried to hide it.

"Yes, Mistress." Ruelle replied calmly, and Xenia took her leave.

"Ruelle.. I.."

"I should go."

"Y-you don't have to!"

"No, but I should. I'll be right outside, Your Highness" She said softly before quickly sliding out of the door herself.

The tears that came to my eyes were hot and unyielding. A deep ache in my chest was all I could feel as I made my way over to my bed. I knew sleep wouldn't come easily, and I was right. Many hours were spent tossing and turning. Wondering what the morning would bring. What I would remember. Who would I forget. I wept for the uncertainty - and for everything I already knew - until the cruel mask of sleep finally took me.

*******

The next morning came too quickly as a small knock woke me from my restless sleep. I could tell by the specific tone to it, that no one other than Ruelle could be on the other side of that door. I pushed myself up off of the bed, exhaustion seeping into every part of my body as I tried to speak.

"Come.. come in, Ruelle."

The door slowly opened revealing a very tired looking Ruelle, she gave me a small smile as she stepped inside.

"Heh.. how did you know it was me?" She asked, being ever so careful not to make eye contact with me.

"You've been knocking on that door with the same knock for weeks now." I said with a small laugh.

"True." She said with an even smaller laugh. The smile not quite reaching her eyes as she continued. "Ah - Mistress Xenia sent me. Gideon has finished the antidote. They would like for you to meet them in the throne room as soon as you're ready."

My heart sank for a moment as I took in her words. I knew regaining my memories was important, I knew they were a part of me, and I knew deep down, that it was the right thing to do - but I couldn't help the intense ache I felt in my chest as I thought about what it might mean for Ruelle and I. Was I ready to give that up?

"Will.. will you come with me, Ruelle?" I asked softly, hoping she'd grant me this last token of affection.

"Of course, My Queen." My heart sank a little more at the formal title, but still I gave her a smile as I spoke.

"Thank you, Ruelle. I appreciate your kindness. Just let me get dressed." She gave me a small nod, and exited the room to leave me to change.

Even with the heat of the day making it's way swiftly through the ever winding halls of Altadellys as we walked, I couldn't help the chill I felt deep within my bones. My eyes constantly glancing at Ruelle, just wanting her to look at me, smile at me, tell me everything would be okay - even if it wasn't. The walls that now stood in front of the vulnerable parts that Ruelle had finally shown me, were high and unwavering. She was guarded - protecting herself from whatever was about to happen. I bit back the hot tears that came to my eyes as we finally reached the throne room doors, taking a long deep breath before I entered.

"Ah, there you are, Your Highness." Gideon said from in front of the throne, a small vial in his hand, and Xenia at his side.

"S-sorry to keep you waiting, Gideon." I gave him a small smile and looked over at Xenia who didn't look to be in a much better state than Ruelle and I. I'm sure whatever she felt for me, seeing her only niece in pain couldn't be easy for her.

"Are you ready, My Queen?" Xenia asked me as I took my seat on the throne. I swallowed down the acidic taste in my mouth and took the vial from Gideon.

"Ready as I'll ever be." I said - giving Ruelle one final smile, before taking back the entire vial in one smooth shot.

Within ten minutes I could feel the static like buzzing that I had gotten so used to over the weeks, start to lift - like a thin grey veil that had inconspicuously taken up residency in my subconscious. As soon as the last bit of it was gone the remainder of my memories flooded through with a tidal wave of images - as if someone was flipping through an album of my life over the last few months - It was all there, it was all Xenia. I saw everything. From the night she first came to tavern, to the first time I saw her genuinely smile, the feeling of her lips upon mine in a darkened shadow hidden from the world, the soft words she spoke to me in the night. She was there through it all. I looked up at her and as soon as her eyes met mine, I began sobbing. Hot tears of guilt and loss. Guilt for the pain I had caused her, that I had left her feeling so uncertain of the future for all of this time. There had never been a single part of my self that ever wanted to be the cause of Xenia's pain, and when my eyes finally found Ruelle's - hidden deep in the back side of the room - my heart truly knew what loss was. My sobs were unyielding - inconsolable. Yes, I had gotten Xenia back, but at what cost? Was I ready to lose Ruelle? A part of me almost expected my feelings for Ruelle to dissipate as my memories of Xenia came back, but - there they were, just as strong and magnetic as they were prior to taking the antidote. The infinite pit of despair that was steadily growing in my chest was more than I could take.

"My Queen.. are you ok-?" I shake my head cutting Xenia off.

"F-frost, Xenia. I'm s-so sorry. I'm so sorry I forgot you." I sobbed even harder and I could see any reserve Xenia had left melt away as she rushed to my side.

"Oh, my sweet, sweet, girl. You have nothing to be sorry for." She hugged me warmly using all four of her arms, and I finally let my tears flow freely.

The intense spiral of emotion that spun throughout me was all consuming - unrelenting - and I knew, right then and there, that I had no clue what I was about to do. I could neither deny my love for Xenia, or Ruelle. I loved them both differently, but just as strongly. My heart would break either way, and so would one of theirs. There was no easy way - There was no right choice. No matter what I did, pain would be felt, and it would be felt deeply by everyone involved. As the sheer panic of the situation took hold of me, I abruptly pulled myself out of Xenia's warm embrace - and I ran - I ran towards the door, through the dark hallways of the palace, past my chamber doors. I ran until I had no breath left in my lungs, until my heart felt a different sort of pain than the deep and terrible ache that had taken over it. I needed to think - needed to run - needed to feel the wind whipping across my face. The image of both of the women I loved, standing there, watching me as I leave - wanting so badly to reach out for me, to stop me - but they knew better. They knew I needed this, and they knew I'd be back - and they'd be right there, waiting for an answer, when I did.


End file.
